Repaying a Debt to Love | Self Healing from Heartbreak | Self Discovery Blog
"Ah, love; a dreadful bond, and yet, so easily severed" ~ Davy Jones
The above quote hits hard! It hits even harder when I look down to my left forearm and see an homage to the lock box of Davy Jones tattooed upon it. Locked away behind my fragile rib cage lays a heart. A heart that has seen its fair share of aches and pains.
In just a few short weeks, I’ll be celebrating the 9th anniversary of my 10 year relationship ending. Why the celebration? Well without it, I wouldn’t be where I’m at today. It sent me into a spiral of self reflection, self discovery, and most importantly healing of the self. Every area of my life has seen a very slow upswing since that cold and dark February night back in 2016. The thing I didn’t necessarily see coming over these past nine years however, was just how difficult dating would turn out to be.
I remember saying to myself shortly after the relationship broke a part, just how it easy it would be to date again. I had something to prove. I wanted to prove my ex wrong. I wanted to prove to her that somewhere out there, someone wanted me. They could adore me, cherish me, love me in the ways that she never could. There was just one problem looking back on those statements, I didn’t even love myself! Fuck, I didn’t even know myself, or the person I would become. So I got entangled in a few messy flings, reverting back from the age of 36, to the age of 26. Hmmm, weird! Was I making up for lost time?
When my first relationship ended at the age of 24, I never spent any time healing from it. The word healing wasn’t even in my vocabulary. But you know what was? Alcohol! So here I went, from one relationship to another, with-out any time spent on my own. To keep things short, let’s just say from the age of 21-36, I ran on autopilot.
Eventually relational therapy would come knocking on my door, spiritual practices entered my daily routine, and a total destruction of everything I knew/was engulfed me like wild flames.. Around that time I found myself falling for a girl very quickly. It turned out be a very short, yet explosive relationship. My first interaction with a narcissistic/BPD. What an experience! Things then went quiet for a few years.
Since then (2019), I’d say I’ve been close to entering two relationships. One with a girl who was settling down in New Jersey (while I was starting a life in Montana), and another whom would be spending her summers in Alaska. (I think I dodged a major bullet with that one. Hello repeating patterns!) Let’s throw in the elusive, non responsive, and women who own cats (god made me special), and well it’s been a frustrating experience to say the least.
Let’s dive deeper on the title of this blog post: “Repaying a Debt to Love.” It’s a theory I’ve been carrying around for a couple of years. It’d be easy for me to sit here and say subconsciously that there are parts of me that are scared to enter a relationship again. I wouldn’t argue that fact at all, because we normally attract what we are, and where we are at. If someone is unavailable, it just means that there are parts of me that are unavailable myself. That being said, I’m at point in my life where I have a lot to offer not only to myself, but to another, albeit a very unconventional lifestyle. So what gives? Well I’ll let y’all in on a little secret. The past two years I’ve been grinding away at $30,000 worth of debt that I had incurred from 2021-2023. I’ve had to put my life on hold to an extent. I promise to write about that at a separate time, but I mention it, because at times I feel like maybe a relationship just still isn’t on the menu for me yet. I need to continue to focus on myself. I’ll be clear of that debt this upcoming June, which to me means that another puzzle piece of my life will finally find its rightful place.
So where does this “Repaying a Debt to Love” theory fit in for me? As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog post, in just a few short weeks I’ll be celebrating the 9th anniversary of my ten year relationship ending. My thoughts? I spent ten years with the wrong person. I spent ten years living a life I thought I was supposed to be living. I spent ten years thinking I was happy. I spent ten years drinking. I spent ten years unhealed from the trauma of my first relationship ending. I spent ten years being reckless with my money. I spent ten years separated from myself. So here I am, year nine of ten, repaying that debt to being who I wasn’t. I’ve talked with a few people who vibe with this theory, so I know I’m not going bat shit crazy, but it makes a lot of sense.
8 billion people on this earth walk different paths. Some have found the love of their life, some have settled for the fear of not finding better, some find themselves unable to leave an abusive relationship, while others remain single for one reason or another. Me, I’m just over here with a guarded heart, still waiting to hand over the key to the box tattooed upon my left forearm. Why guarded? Because only a fool with-out wisdom, would be reckless enough to give it away so easily again. I can’t say attempting to date over the years has been from a lack of effort, but I can surely say it’s been blocked by something a little more supernatural. Does life ever fully align? I guess I’ll just have to keep reminding myself of the saying “what is meant for you, will not pass you by!”
Ryan 1/20/25
Would love to hear your thoughts below in the comment section, don’t be shy!
My last blog post entitled: Why I Can’t Do A Long Distance Relationship dives a little more into the potential, or lack thereof, of my last close encounter.
Find my self published book entitled: From Heartbreak to Heart Awake, which is a self help journal with poetry and prose, that guides the reader through their own journey of heartbreak.
For more inspirational tales, thoughts and photography visit me on instagram: @ryan.j.drewes
